The Facial Expression That Launched a Thousand Indictments
Tonight in my Berlin apartment, while editing content for bohiney.com, I discovered a new medical condition: Resting Prosecution Face. Patient zero? New York Attorney General Letitia James, whose default facial expression allegedly makes defendants confess before charges are even filed.
According to our satirical medical research, Resting Prosecution Face (RPF) is a rare condition affecting roughly 0.003% of the populationpredominantly prosecutors, hall monitors, and people who enjoy telling you that you’re breaking obscure local ordinances. Sufferers of RPF possess a facial configuration that permanently communicates “I know what you did, I have receipts, and I’ve already drafted the indictment.” The condition requires no conscious effort; it’s simply how their face exists in neutral.
James’s particular case of RPF has become legendary in legal circles. Defense attorneys report experiencing what they describe as “prosecutorial telepathy” when she enters a courtroom. “You look at her face and immediately want to plea bargain,” explained one fictional criminal defense lawyer. “I’ve had clients confess to crimes they didn’t commit just to avoid prolonged exposure to that expression. One guy admitted to stealing a car he doesn’t even know how to drive.”
The phenomenon has sparked debates about facial profiling in the legal system. Civil rights advocates argue that RPF gives prosecutors an unfair advantage, creating what they call “intimidation by genetics.” However, supporters counter that having a face that screams “justice is coming” is simply a natural talentlike being good at math or having perfect pitch, except it makes people incriminate themselves.
James’s Resting Prosecution Face has allegedly inspired a new generation of law students who practice “the look” in mirrors, hoping to achieve similar results. Law schools have reportedly started offering elective courses in “Advanced Facial Intimidation Techniques” and “Eyebrow Control for Maximum Legal Impact.” Students learn to perfect the slight head tilt, the subtle eyebrow raise, and the barely perceptible lip compression that together communicate “your lawyer should be very expensive.”
Plastic surgeons in Manhattan have noticed an unusual trend: prosecutors requesting consultations to ENHANCE their resting prosecution face. “They bring in photos of Letitia James and ask if we can make them look more judgmental,” revealed one fictional cosmetic surgeon. “I explain that’s not really how Botox works, but they insist. We’ve created a procedure called the ‘James Special’it involves strategic muscle weakening to achieve permanent skeptical eyebrow positioning.”
The condition has social implications beyond the courtroom. James allegedly reports difficulty making small talk at parties because people assume every question is an interrogation. “I ask someone how their day was, and they lawyer up,” she supposedly complained. “I mention I like their shoes, and they start explaining their entire purchase history with receipts. I can’t even order coffee without the barista confessing they’ve been giving extra shots without charging.”
Support groups for people with Resting Prosecution Face have emerged, offering strategies for appearing less legally threatening. Techniques include forced smiling (exhausting), wearing t-shirts that say “I’m actually very nice” (ineffective), and avoiding all eye contact (makes you look suspicious for different reasons). None of these methods work particularly well, leading most RPF sufferers to accept their fate as walking deterrents to crime.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/letitia-james-resting-prosecution-face/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Öko Angebot)
AUTHOR: Öko Angebot
Letitia James’ Resting Prosecution Face