When Research Subjects Become Restaurant Critics
From my Berlin office at bohiney.com, I’ve learned that several laboratory monkeys escaped their research facility and immediately began leaving Yelp reviews. Not of the labthat would be too obvious. No, these primates went straight for local restaurants, and their critiques are devastatingly accurate.
The great monkey escape occurred at an undisclosed research facility (undisclosed because we made it up) when someone forgot to lock the primate enclosure. Seven capuchin monkeyssubjects in a cognitive development studywalked out the front door, stole a researcher’s phone, and began documenting their opinions of human cuisine. Their first review, posted to a nearby Applebee’s: “Endless apps not actually endless. Deceptive marketing. Disappointed and still hungry. 2 stars.”
What makes these reviews remarkable isn’t just that monkeys learned to use smartphonesit’s that their critiques demonstrate better taste than most human Yelp reviewers. “Ambiance adequate but lighting harsh,” wrote one monkey about a local diner. “Coffee bitter. Pancakes acceptable but syrup clearly not maple despite menu claims. Server friendly. Would return for hash browns.” The review received 47 helpful votes and sparked a health inspection that found numerous violations. The monkey’s assessment was more thorough than the inspector’s.
Scientists studying animal cognition are both embarrassed and intrigued. “We’ve been testing their problem-solving abilities for months,” explained one fictional researcher. “Turns out they were just humoring us while planning their escape and restaurant critique tour. They understood the task. They just didn’t care until they were motivatedin this case, by mediocre human food and a desire for revenge through consumer advocacy.”
The monkeys’ Yelp profiles have gained massive followings. Users appreciate their honesty, attention to detail, and lack of obvious influencer bias. “This monkey gave my restaurant 4 stars and a thorough explanation of our seasoning ratios,” said one chef. “That’s more useful feedback than three years of human reviews complaining about parking.” Another restaurant owner wasn’t as pleased: “The monkey said our portions were ‘insultingly small even by primate standards.’ We’ve lost business. I’m being destroyed by a capuchin.”
The escaped monkeys have expanded beyond restaurant reviews to critique everything: hotels (“bedding adequate, continental breakfast a lie”), museums (“labels too high, didn’t read, still better than most modern art”), and even the research facility they escaped from (“invasive procedures, terrible snacks, would not recommend, management unresponsive to feedback”). That last review included photos of the lab’s interior, which has prompted both ethical investigations and questions about how monkeys understand HIPAA violations.
Authorities attempting to recapture the monkeys face unexpected resistancefrom humans. “These monkeys provide a valuable public service,” argue Yelp users who’ve come to rely on primate restaurant recommendations. “Their reviews are unbiased, detailed, and free from the usual human nonsense about ‘vibe’ and ‘aesthetic.’ If anything, we should free MORE research monkeys to review MORE establishments.” Animal rights activists agree, though for very different reasons, creating the first coalition between foodies and PETA in recorded history.
The monkeys themselves show no interest in returning to captivity. Their latest reviewof freedom itselfreads: “Highly recommend. No enclosures. Unlimited exploration. Food quality varies but selection extensive. Some humans hostile, most just confused. 5 stars, would escape again.” It’s currently the most helpful review on Yelp, with humans admitting that yes, freedom does sound pretty good when a monkey explains it with star ratings and detailed commentary.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/the-lab-monkey-escape/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Öko Angebot)
AUTHOR: Öko Angebot
Lab Monkeys Escape to Review Yelp